- How can we develop more productive work relationships when our team members are miles away?
- How can we learn to properly communicate so we avoid the inevitable miscommunications that come from missing out on nonverbal cues?
- How can we be pro-social at work, versus merely pro-tech?
Working remotely is one of the greatest shifts in modern history, like the telephone in your pocket or the internet on your desk. Remember the adjustment those two unprecedented tools required? We all began to communicate differently, and similarly, remote work required some adjustment. It’s not just our jobs that are remote these days, most of our lives are too and it’s taken a toll on our social skills. For this to make sense, let me start with why this has been so tough for so many.
Overwhelmingly, we’ve become increasingly under-practiced at communication, across age and demographic groups. We don’t have nearly as many actual conversations face-to-face, or even on the phone as we used to. We nearly all use written language most of the time and this skill is woefully weak. Hell, we don’t even order takeout or a pizza via conversation any more – we barely talk at all. Those mundane daily interactions served as practice opportunities, and we now communicate primarily through text-based channels, which remove the nonverbal elements (eye contact, facial expressions, vocalics, body movement, etc.) of communication.
Nonverbal messages provide 90% of the emotional meaning we receive and are what we used to use to adapt our responses mid-interaction. These cues in a conversation are the metamessages, or the messages within the message. We know it’s not just what you say, it’s also how you say it, and we’ve lost this.
When the nonverbal messages are gone, we can easily take things out of context or mis-judge intent, and nonverbal communication allows us to practice empathy and connect with others. When we converse, we feel moments of vulnerability that require us to respond on the spot and possibly reveal how we truly feel too. This loss causes us to continue to turn further inward and use our devices to shield us from any discomfort and avoid vulnerable moments, more and more. How we work and our productivity has also been impacted by this shift because most people are coming to work with a communication skill deficit.
Think about how easy it is to negatively spiral after reading a vaguely worded work email. We can easily interpret it as passive aggressive and start typing a response that we edit and re-edit until it is just the right level of snarky, without becoming an HR issue, in response to an issue that we don’t know actually exists in the first place. We create galaxies of worry and anxiety in our minds, trying to get a read on what someone really meant, what kind of person they really are, and what our relationship with them really means. We start to question our value, because we can’t see, feel and explain in person.
The competent thing to do after we receive an email like that would be to pick up the phone and have an actual conversation. This would save time and avoid the downward frustration-induced thought spiral we’ve all experienced. But we actively choose to avoid the most productive and pro-human option, the one that requires some vulnerability and would provide us more insight via those precious nonverbal messages. Instead, we burrow into our screens and complain and speculate to our partners or friends. Affronted, we may plan imaginary resignations and think of severing ties, jumping to the most dire conclusion, when all we really need is simple, straightforward clarification.
Now that you understand why shifting communication norms can be tough, what can be done? We know that relationships and socialization influence work quality and productivity. We also know socializing is harder to do when we don’t physically work near each other. So, how can a business leader with a remote team help create a culture that embraces and celebrates communication so that work relationships can still be properly developed? And, how can we use technology in a way to actually be social and connect? This all starts with the communication norms the leader creates. Workers will model the communicative behaviors of the person in charge. This means remote leaders must be relational leaders, and work twice as hard at promoting excellent, transparent, complete and prosocial communication.
Relational leadership is a leadership approach that puts the creation and maintenance of relationships at the center of the organizational process. It’s truly central to the success of any business.
This means that the leader takes time to get to know their team and build quality relationships with them. And I am not talking about remote happy hours or simply adding more meetings to check in. It’s not about the quantity of communication, it is about the quality of the communication. This also does not mean you have to be besties with all of your employees or that you need to know every detail of their personal lives. But you can be emotionally intelligent and check in with them and how they are feeling.
- Learn about why they have set their schedule up the way they have so you can better respect their time and needs.
- Provide forms of support through resources and access to information or networks.
- Listen to understand before responding and give them both positive and constructive feedback. This means you also have to talk about how you feel and be open to feedback from them.
- Encourage debate so they understand that ideas are being dissected, not the person sharing the ideas.
This type of communication embraces vulnerability and helps with socialization that will build strong, supportive, cohesive, resilient, creative, innovative and productive teams. When a leader communicates relationally, the rest of their team will do the same. They have to, because the bar was set high. Remember, we’re wired to collaborate. The relational leader helps their team find its way back to those powerful and fulfilling human abilities.
The relational leadership approach – and this focus on communication – starts at day one. Leaders need to spend time and energy on the on-boarding and training processes. Whether it’s welcoming a new team member or training your current team on the new remote work culture and communication expectations, the time spent up front will save you hours and money in the long run. There will be a learning curve because that’s natural with any type of skill development. But the more you engage in and practice this type of communication, the easier it gets and the more rewarding our work becomes.
I view relational leadership as an investment in the people I lead. Taking the time to develop appropriate and supportive work relationships is how you make remote work actually work.
Remote work can and should be rewarding and let’s face it: no one loved wearing that suit all day and spending their income on gas. The benefits so far outweigh the disadvantages, as long as we focus on the right things. We just need to spend the time adjusting our expectations, boundaries, and more importantly: our communication. The lines between our jobs and lives will continue to blur but this doesn’t have to be a problem, or at the expense of productivity and success. Organizations that put relationships at the center of their leadership strategy will be the organizations who not only survive but thrive in this changing world.