- We’ve never taken a class on the communication skill we use the most
- Poor listening results in missed opportunities to learn, grow and create better systems and more successful businesses
- What does it mean to re-learn listening?
Listening is the most powerful gift you can give someone. It is the communication skill we use the most and also the one we need to work on the most. It is amazing to me how many people think they are a good listener, but in reality, they don’t even know what it means to properly listen. My guess, if they asked their close friends or partners about their listening skills, they would be surprised by the response. The reason for this is that most people listen to respond rather than listening to understand.
There should be a goal in mind when you are listening. If you are only worried about what you will say next, you are not properly listening. The goal should be to try and understand what the person in front of you is saying and feeling. After you clarify and you have agreement on understanding, then you respond. And my guess is, your response will be more meaningful and appropriate. But why don’t we do this? Is listening that hard? Well, it kind of is. It takes time, thought, and energy. This is why your therapist is so tired at the end of the day, one of their primary job duties is to listen and understand.
I want to break this down for you. According to the textbook (Beebe, Beebe, & Ivy, 2022) I use to teach my Human Communication course we spend 55% of our day listening. But think about this, we spend more than half of our day listening and we were never taught how to properly listen. We take classes in writing, reading, and speaking but the communication skill we do the most we have never received formal education in. In some ways, it’s not our fault that we don’t listen well. Luckily, it is a skill, which means we can improve it by practicing it.
Many years ago I had a boss that was a terrible listener. We would have meetings and I would explain situations, problems, ideas, etc. and I would diligently take notes and I would leave these meetings thinking we had a plan we agreed on. I would begin to execute the plan and a couple of weeks in I would get a berating email, phone call, office visit, or voice mail asking me questions about what I was doing and why. I was obviously confused because we met and discussed the plan and they agreed. Why did they seem to have no memory of this? The more this happened, and it happened a lot, I realized they were not listening when I spoke to them. It was clear they were going through the motions and their head was somewhere else. I was the least important person to them at that moment, or at least it felt that way.
The fastest way to make someone feel undervalued is by not listening to them. This created many problems because this was a common experience for everyone who worked for this person. This lack of listening created tension and chaos and almost the demise of the business unit. No one knew what they were doing or if what they were doing was correct or approved and it made us all start questioning our own sanity. “Did I interpret that correctly? They approved it right? Did I make that up?” Questions that the entire staff asked themselves daily. Not only did this almost destroy the business unit, it killed morale, the culture, and comradery that was once so strong. Lucky for us, this person’s stint as boss was short lived but it taught us all some very valuable lessons in listening and also how to work with a boss or manager who is not a good listener.
When I think back to that time, there are things my boss could have done to improve their listening. And it does not require a Ph.D. in communication to do these things. Small steps would have made this person a much better and more effective leader and who knows, maybe they would still be working at the organization. Here are simple things you can do to avoid being my ex-boss.
Step one is simple, STOP what you are doing and FOCUS. When someone needs to talk with you or when you are in a meeting, put your phone away, silence your email, remove distractions, and show the person or people in the room you are engaged in the conversation. We are so easily distracted by texts, emails, slack messages, etc. and this causes us to not listen well. If you are in the middle of something, tell them, “give me a few minutes so I can finish this email” or give them a time to come back when you will be able to give them the attention they deserve. Obviously, if someone comes into your office in distress you might want to stop what you are doing at that moment and prioritize them. Read the room and the person, pay attention to their nonverbal behavior.
The second step is also easy. LOOK at them and/or give them your FULL ATTENTION. Remind yourself that you are there to understand them not respond to them. Make eye contact if you are meeting in person, suggest a video call if possible, and if it has to happen via the phone it will be even more important that you remove the distractions so you can pay closer attention to their tone of voice to pick up on nonverbal cues you would normally see from providing them eye contact.
And here is the final step, are you ready, it’s a big one. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. Come on, you had to have guessed that was coming. As mentioned above, your goal is to gain understanding. You should not provide the response until you truly have a handle on what they are talking about and feeling. Communication involves both content and emotion, we often forget about the emotion part when listening (guilty as charged and I have a Ph.D. in this stuff). And I get it, we are all busy, but taking the time to truly listen and understand someone will save you so much time in the long run. When listening, it is about finding ways to clarify the meaning. You do this by asking clarifying questions and paraphrasing. You can ask questions that ensure you understand the details, the series of events, and how they are feeling. You can clarify by paraphrasing back to them what you think they are saying and feeling. I know this sounds a little warm and fuzzy but I promise, it is much more natural at that moment. All you are doing is learning, so treat it the same way you would when learning anything. Ask genuine questions and follow up with paraphrasing.
Now I know some of you out there are thinking, “I don’t give a shit about their feelings” or “OMG I am not a therapist.” Those things may be true. But as you practice these skills more you learn how to effectively ask the right questions and create a supportive culture that matches your style. Let’s be honest, our lives would be much easier if everyone would give a little more shit about the people around them. Can you at least commit to caring just a little bit more?
Also, you should have boundaries and you will learn quickly how to manage those with the different people in your life. That is the other added benefit to listening. You learn how to manage relationships better because you know more about that person and can better adapt your messages and responses and create your boundaries.
I have a Ph.D. in communication and listening is something I needed to and still work on daily. I promise you, that if you take more time to listen you will quickly see its benefits. Practicing good listening is a preventative measure. This will save you time and money in the long run because you are stopping ‘people problems’ before they happen. Poor listening skills can be a catalyst to chaos. Though my time with my ex-boss was stressful, I learned what I never want to be like as a leader. This is why I teach listening, it has an immediate positive outcome no matter the relationship or situation. Listening changes everything.